Dilema…
Pagi ini aku bangun dengan perasaan yang sedikit berbeda.. Seperti ada goresan perih yang masih tersisa dari tadi malam.. Apa yang berbeda pagi ini? Udara pagi masih segar, langit-langit kamar juga tidak berubah, masih terlihat indah, tetapi perasaanku sepertinya tidak begitu, malam menyisakan perih di sini, di hati ini..
Hatiku kembali hancur, berkeping menyisakan beling.. Sebuah jawaban yang terbaik tidak selamanya benar, tetapi justru jawaban yang sebenarnya belum tentu yang terbaik. Aku kembali mengingat apa yang telah terjadi tadi malam. Kami kembali menghadirkan keributan-keributan kecil yang mampu menciptakan perih. Aku lelah..
Berada dalam ketidakpastian seperti ini bukanlah hal yang menyenangkan. Semua jadi serba salah. Mau marah, kesal dan melampiaskan ke siapa juga rasanya tidak berhak. Tidak ada alasan untuk menuntut sesuatu. Hanya terpendam dalam hati dan merasakan sesaknya seorang diri. Itu sangat menyakitkan..
Namun berlari dari sini juga tidak mampu. Kalau saja boleh memilih aku juga tidak akan mau berada dalam situasi yang menyesakkan ini. Tidak ada ruang, tidak ada udara untuk bernafas..
Peristiwa seperti ini memang bukan yang pertama kalinya. Aku kembali dihadapkan dengan kondisi yang serupa dari malam-malam sebelumnya. Kesabaran, pengertian, kesetiaan kembali diuji.. Huft, apa kemarin tidak cukup untuk membuatmu percaya bahwa aku benar-benar serius??
Beberapa bulan yang lalu kamu boleh meragukan aku, tapi kali ini percayalah aku punya perasaan yang sama.. Argh! TIDAK.. Rasanya ada nada getir setiap kali memastikan perasaanku sendiri.. Apa boleh jujur?
……………………………………………………….
Orang-orang dekatku pernah bertanya “apa kamu yakin dengan perasaanmu yang sekarang? Apa bagimu tidak sayang menyia-nyiakan orang yang selama bertahun-tahun kamu perjuangkan?”
Hanya ada dua pertanyaan yang selalu muncul, dua pertanyaan yang sama dari orang yang berbeda-beda.. seperti digampar, seperti dibangunkan oleh lamunan panjang. Hanya ada dua pertanyaan, tidak menuntut jawaban yang panjang tetapi membutuhkan waktu yang lamanya tidak bisa aku perkirakan..
Bukan pertanyaan asing tapi masih belum juga mampu aku jawab. Hatiku sering bertanya seperti itu, bukan sering tapi selalu.. “ apa aku yakin? “
Sebelum berada dalam ketidakpastian yang menyesakkan ini, aku punya hati yang terlanjur sudah kutitipkan kepada orang yang ku kenal dekat selama kurang lebih lima tahun (sejak duduk dibangku SMA). Perasaan yang selama ini ku jaga akhirnya goyah oleh kedatangan seseorang yang tidak tahu kapan perginya..
Aku benar-benar lelah, aku tidak tahu ke mana hatiku akan berlabuh.. Kepada orang yang perasaannya sudah tidak ku ragukan lagi atau kepada orang yang menenggelamkan aku dalam ketidakpastian??
Setiap kali dia menorehkan perih, aku selalu rindu hatiku yang dulu, aku rindu kepada perasaanku yang tidak mudah goyah, aku rindu dia yang mampu menciptakan senyum, tawa dan bahagia dengan caranya yang sangat sederhana.. Tetapi aku terlanjur jauh, apa aku masih ingat jalan untuk kembali? Apa aku ingat jalan pulang? Kembali ke sisimu, dalam dekapan hangatmu.. Apa belum terlambat?
Untuk orang yang membawaku dalam ketidakpastian, ajari aku untuk menepi.. Aku hanya ingin menghirup udara yang lebih segar…
Penulis : Selvi Apriani Rama
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